Selections from my journal last night – I shall call this ‘Musings of a sleepless mind.’
(Each page of the journal has a quote which I will also share here. Some serve as the inspiration for the entry while others are merely incidental.)
1:45am – “Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.” Fran Lebowitz
I can’t decide if I’m more upset with you for not booking the appointment or myself for letting you hurt me. I keep wondering if I’ve made a huge mistake which is ridiculous as your current behaviour only proves my point.
You don’t appear to care about me, so why do I continue to care?
How many times will this happen to me?
All I ever did was give you everything I had…
I miss you…
2:05am – “I realize that from the cradle up I have been like the rest of the race–never quite sane in the night.” Mark Twain
(Am I even sane in the day?)
Anger is never just anger. It’s always the secondary emotion. The reaction. The defence mechanism. Anger almost always masks hurt. Right now I’m angry. I want to rip you a new one. I want to scream at you until I have no breath left. I want to smack you right in your oblivious face.
What I really want to do is cry, but you don’t deserve my tears…
And that’s a damn shame.
2:27am – “The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world.” Leonard Cohen
(Maybe if I could actually write something!)
It has been a very long time since I have felt this much self-doubt. Usually I’m one of the most confident people I know (though apparently I’m actually cocky)… But you can only watch so many things fall apart before you start to question everything you know.
Paralysis will eventually take over for fear of making the wrong choice and totally screwing everything up…
… though I’m not sure that there’s much left to screw up…
2:35am – “I’m for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.” Frank Sinatra
I think I’m even scared to pray about it because I don’t even know what to pray for! All I know is that I have no idea what happened to my life or where to go from here.
What does that prayer sound like?
Time machine please?
Do I pray for a job?
A husband? (Handsome and rich please…since I’m asking…)
I don’t even trust my ability to pray anymore…
2:50am – “The average, healthy, well–adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.” Jean Kerr
I’ve been missing John lately. I don’t know why but I think he would know what to say to help me find some clarity. Or maybe it’s simply the lack of music in my world right now. Or the fact that I just lost my mentor (rather, he turned out to be a sham. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain) has me pining for the one who was taken from me (us) far too soon.
Regardless of the reason – I sure do wish he was here…
I saw 3:30 before I simply gave up looking at the clock and Edith Piaf has never sounded more unpleasant than she did when my alarm sounded at 8.
(More on who John is and the story behind the hurt at a later date… But not the same day. John deserves better than that.)