Tag Archives: control freak

You could drive a person crazy…

“How are you not falling apart?”

“Don’t you think it’s just too much?”

“You’re still smiling.  How is that possible?”

I’ve heard these questions countless times in the last few months.  “Darling, it’s a theme and variation.”  I completely understand why everyone asks.  I truly do.  I’ve asked myself those questions on a regular basis and I have one answer for all of them: Jesus.

There is, however, one variation to which I must object.  It goes like this: “I just don’t understand how you’re okay with all of this.”

Grandpa’s dead.  Grandma’s fighting (and winning, I should add).  Mom’s sick.  I’m unemployed.  I don’t see anything wrong with any of that.  Of course I’m okay with it.  Wouldn’t you be?  Unless you’re completely devoid of human emotion your answer will be ‘no.’  PSA: If your answer was yes, you might want to call a therapist and have that checked out.  Just sayin’

Let’s get one thing straight – I’m not okay with ANY of this.  I have feelings, you know!  I’m not a sociopath.  (Okay, I probably shouldn’t blog while watching Criminal Minds.  Sorry ’bout that.)

I’m not okay with it.  If we were in court, this would be the moment when I’d jump out of my seat and yell “Your Honour, I object!” (Law and Order’s a bad idea too…)  I’m not okay with it, but I am okay.  I’m okay because I’m at peace with it.  Again, it’s that Jesus thing.  I passionately object with every fibre of my being and I wish that I could change things, but I can’t.  I can’t control any of it, so I have to accept it.  Fighting it won’t do anything but waste my resources and THAT could drive a person crazy.  I’m a major control freak.  A total type A, but I refuse to be a hamster on a wheel.  I’m done with that.  Who actually wants to run without getting anywhere?  I’m pretty sure the hamster’s even smart enough to do something else if given the choice and I’d like to think that I’m smarter than a hamster.  At least, I sure hope so!  Gosh, how horrible would THAT be?

I have my faith, I have my relationship with God and (just as importantly) I have an incredible community of faith around me.  Recently, I asked a mentor of mine how I was supposed to get through this.  She responded in classic form with “Just put one foot in front of the other, breathe and lean on those of us who love you.”

I’m very clear on who those people are now as they have been invaluable to me in the last 6 months.  Without them I surely would have lost it by now.  (whatever IT is…is it like the proverbial they?)  What I know is that those people are tangible expressions of God’s intangible love for me and that…?  That makes me smile.  

Don’t get me wrong – I have my moments.  I’ve cried.  I’ve screamed.  I’ve slept a day away.  I’ve even had a panic attack.  I’m very much in touch with my emotions and processing what’s going on, but I’m not letting it destroy me.  Today, I’m okay.  Tomorrow might be a different story.  I don’t know yet and guess what?  I’m okay with that too!

Life doesn’t stop when we’re caught in the middle of one of the storms.  It just keeps rolling along.  So, it’s okay for us to do the same.  I can smile.  I can even laugh because God’s got this.  

A friend of mine posted this Joyce Meyer quote today which sums up exactly how I feel.  “It is perfectly okay for you to go ahead and enjoy your life while God is working on your problem.”  

He’s got this and He’s doing a much better job than I could ever do.

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