Tag Archives: God

Secret of Night…

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Selections from my journal last night – I shall call this ‘Musings of a sleepless mind.’

(Each page of the journal has a quote which I will also share here.  Some serve as the inspiration for the entry while others are merely incidental.)

1:45am“Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.” Fran Lebowitz

I can’t decide if I’m more upset with you for not booking the  appointment or myself for letting you hurt me.  I keep wondering if I’ve made a huge mistake which is ridiculous as your current behaviour only proves my point.
You don’t appear to care about me, so why do I continue to care?
How many times will this happen to me?
All I ever did was give you everything I had…
I miss you…

2:05am – “I realize that from the cradle up I have been like the rest of the race–never quite sane in the night.” Mark Twain
(Am I even sane in the day?)

Anger is never just anger.  It’s always the secondary emotion.  The reaction.  The defence mechanism.  Anger almost always masks hurt.  Right now I’m angry.  I want to rip you a new one.  I want to scream at you until I have no breath left.  I want to smack you right in your oblivious face.

What I really want to do is cry, but you don’t deserve my tears…
Not anymore…

And that’s a damn shame.

2:27am – “The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world.” Leonard Cohen
(Maybe if I could actually write something!)

It has been a very long time since I have felt this much self-doubt.  Usually I’m one of the most confident people I know (though apparently I’m actually cocky)… But you can only watch so many things fall apart before you start to question everything you know.
Paralysis will eventually take over for fear of making the wrong choice and totally screwing everything up…

… though I’m not sure that there’s much left to screw up…

2:35am – “I’m for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.” Frank Sinatra

I think I’m even scared to pray about it because I don’t even know what to pray for!  All I know is that I have no idea what happened to my life or where to go from here.

What does that prayer sound like?
Help?
Time machine please?
Do I pray for a job?
A plan?
A dream?
A miracle?
A husband? (Handsome and rich please…since I’m asking…)
My sanity?

I don’t even trust my ability to pray anymore…

2:50am“The average, healthy, welladjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.” Jean Kerr

I’ve been missing John lately.  I don’t know why but I think he would know what to say to help me find some clarity.  Or maybe it’s simply the lack of music in my world right now.  Or the fact that I just lost my mentor (rather, he turned out to be a sham.  Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain) has me pining for the one who was taken from me (us) far too soon.

Regardless of the reason – I sure do wish he was here…

~end musings~

I saw 3:30 before I simply gave up looking at the clock and Edith Piaf has never sounded more unpleasant than she did when my alarm sounded at 8.

(More on who John is and the story behind the hurt at a later date… But not the same day.  John deserves better than that.)

Prayers…

My church is about to embark on our annual 21 days of prayer and fasting.  I had never done anything like this prior to last year, but as one of (only) 2 worship leaders there I felt it important to lead by example.  I ended up having some life-altering epiphanies during that 21 days and would highly encourage everyone to engage in regular times of dedicated prayer and fasting – especially if you’re wrestling with a major decision.  

When visiting with the aforementioned friend yesterday, we were discussing the fast and I admitted that I had yet to determine what I would fast from this year.  I quickly rephrased, stating that I hadn’t yet prayed about it.  In fact, I haven’t prayed about much recently.

Let me be clear: I absolutely believe in the power of prayer.  It IS possible to clearly hear the audible voice of God in direct response to a question asked in prayer.  It IS possible to see your own life or the lives of others changed as a direct result of prayer.  It IS possible to find peace, healing and rest when you lay your burdens at the foot of the cross.  It IS possible to ask for and receive a miracle if you believe God for your requests.  Even (perhaps especially) the impossible ones.  

I know this to be true because I’ve experienced it.  All of it.  

I feel like I’ve spent the last 6+ months on my knees.  (Don’t even go there – it’s not that kind of blog!  I already told you I’m a worship leader!!)  I have prayed fervently, ceaselessly, with every ounce of faith that I had (or didn’t have at times) and I’m tired.  I’ve come to the point where I need to be praying for myself and I feel like I’m all out of prayers.

I know exactly what I’m supposed to pray into for the next 21 days.  It’s as plain as the nose on my face.  Side note: has it occurred to anyone else how ridiculous that expression is?  Think about it.  You can’t see your own nose unless you look in a mirror, so it’s not really all that clear.  It should be ‘it’s as plain as the back of your hand’ or something…

I lost my job.  I have NO idea what I’m doing with my life, but I’ve been presented with an opportunity to completely reevaluate things and make some huge changes.  I could do more of what I was doing, which I didn’t love.  I could go back to teaching, which I DO love, but the unreliable income makes it difficult to pay the bills.  I could go back to school and start all over.  I should pray about THIS.

But, you see…I don’t wanna!

Beyond the exhaustion, looming there in the darkness is fear.  Because I believe in the power of prayer…Because I know that I can hear God’s voice in direct response to the very questions I should be asking…Because I’m not sure I’m ready to know the answer.  So, like a petulant child I’ve stuck my fingers in my ears and I’m running around yelling “la, la, la, la, la I’m not listening!”

Like that same child who chooses to go to bed without supper rather than give in and eat their veggies, I’ve refused to even pray about how to fast.  It’s ridiculous and I’m aware of it.  Clearly this is one of those ‘do what I say, not what I do’ posts and proof positive of the veracity of the sub-title of this blog.

You could drive a person crazy…

“How are you not falling apart?”

“Don’t you think it’s just too much?”

“You’re still smiling.  How is that possible?”

I’ve heard these questions countless times in the last few months.  “Darling, it’s a theme and variation.”  I completely understand why everyone asks.  I truly do.  I’ve asked myself those questions on a regular basis and I have one answer for all of them: Jesus.

There is, however, one variation to which I must object.  It goes like this: “I just don’t understand how you’re okay with all of this.”

Grandpa’s dead.  Grandma’s fighting (and winning, I should add).  Mom’s sick.  I’m unemployed.  I don’t see anything wrong with any of that.  Of course I’m okay with it.  Wouldn’t you be?  Unless you’re completely devoid of human emotion your answer will be ‘no.’  PSA: If your answer was yes, you might want to call a therapist and have that checked out.  Just sayin’

Let’s get one thing straight – I’m not okay with ANY of this.  I have feelings, you know!  I’m not a sociopath.  (Okay, I probably shouldn’t blog while watching Criminal Minds.  Sorry ’bout that.)

I’m not okay with it.  If we were in court, this would be the moment when I’d jump out of my seat and yell “Your Honour, I object!” (Law and Order’s a bad idea too…)  I’m not okay with it, but I am okay.  I’m okay because I’m at peace with it.  Again, it’s that Jesus thing.  I passionately object with every fibre of my being and I wish that I could change things, but I can’t.  I can’t control any of it, so I have to accept it.  Fighting it won’t do anything but waste my resources and THAT could drive a person crazy.  I’m a major control freak.  A total type A, but I refuse to be a hamster on a wheel.  I’m done with that.  Who actually wants to run without getting anywhere?  I’m pretty sure the hamster’s even smart enough to do something else if given the choice and I’d like to think that I’m smarter than a hamster.  At least, I sure hope so!  Gosh, how horrible would THAT be?

I have my faith, I have my relationship with God and (just as importantly) I have an incredible community of faith around me.  Recently, I asked a mentor of mine how I was supposed to get through this.  She responded in classic form with “Just put one foot in front of the other, breathe and lean on those of us who love you.”

I’m very clear on who those people are now as they have been invaluable to me in the last 6 months.  Without them I surely would have lost it by now.  (whatever IT is…is it like the proverbial they?)  What I know is that those people are tangible expressions of God’s intangible love for me and that…?  That makes me smile.  

Don’t get me wrong – I have my moments.  I’ve cried.  I’ve screamed.  I’ve slept a day away.  I’ve even had a panic attack.  I’m very much in touch with my emotions and processing what’s going on, but I’m not letting it destroy me.  Today, I’m okay.  Tomorrow might be a different story.  I don’t know yet and guess what?  I’m okay with that too!

Life doesn’t stop when we’re caught in the middle of one of the storms.  It just keeps rolling along.  So, it’s okay for us to do the same.  I can smile.  I can even laugh because God’s got this.  

A friend of mine posted this Joyce Meyer quote today which sums up exactly how I feel.  “It is perfectly okay for you to go ahead and enjoy your life while God is working on your problem.”  

He’s got this and He’s doing a much better job than I could ever do.

Don’t Laugh…

In a 6 month period, her grandfather had 2 massive strokes, was hospitalized for 3.5  months and ultimately passed away, her grandmother was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer, her mother was diagnosed with not one, but two primary cancers (both in her lymph nodes) and she lost her job 12 days before Christmas.

I would like to tell you that you’ve just read a plot synopsis for what is clearly the most implausible movie of 2013.  I really would, but I can’t.  I can’t because that would be a lie.  It’s not a movie; it’s my life.  Ridiculous, right?

So, what do you do when the last 6 months of your life resembles the worst movie never made?  No no, not a nervous breakdown silly.  That would be far too predictable.  You start a blog!

I’m 28 years old, I’m single and I have absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  I’m pretty sure I’m having a quarter-life crisis, but that’s okay.  I’m just doing my best to discern (and follow) the path that God has laid out for me, stumbling all the while.

Now, you’re probably asking yourself why I would decide to publicly write about the aforementioned crisis and I can’t say I blame you.  However, that’s an interesting question with a very simple answer: I’m more than a little bit crazy!

I’ll give you a moment to run away now…

*insert Jeopardy theme song here*

You’re still here?  I’ve found my people!  I thought I was the only one…We must have tea.

Honestly, I’m doing this in the hopes that my ramblings might serve to provide hope, inspiration or even just a laugh to anyone else who’s still learning to dance in the rain.

Join me, won’t you?  Or don’t.  I can always just talk to myself.