Tag Archives: stress

Secret of Night…

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Selections from my journal last night – I shall call this ‘Musings of a sleepless mind.’

(Each page of the journal has a quote which I will also share here.  Some serve as the inspiration for the entry while others are merely incidental.)

1:45am“Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.” Fran Lebowitz

I can’t decide if I’m more upset with you for not booking the  appointment or myself for letting you hurt me.  I keep wondering if I’ve made a huge mistake which is ridiculous as your current behaviour only proves my point.
You don’t appear to care about me, so why do I continue to care?
How many times will this happen to me?
All I ever did was give you everything I had…
I miss you…

2:05am – “I realize that from the cradle up I have been like the rest of the race–never quite sane in the night.” Mark Twain
(Am I even sane in the day?)

Anger is never just anger.  It’s always the secondary emotion.  The reaction.  The defence mechanism.  Anger almost always masks hurt.  Right now I’m angry.  I want to rip you a new one.  I want to scream at you until I have no breath left.  I want to smack you right in your oblivious face.

What I really want to do is cry, but you don’t deserve my tears…
Not anymore…

And that’s a damn shame.

2:27am – “The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world.” Leonard Cohen
(Maybe if I could actually write something!)

It has been a very long time since I have felt this much self-doubt.  Usually I’m one of the most confident people I know (though apparently I’m actually cocky)… But you can only watch so many things fall apart before you start to question everything you know.
Paralysis will eventually take over for fear of making the wrong choice and totally screwing everything up…

… though I’m not sure that there’s much left to screw up…

2:35am – “I’m for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.” Frank Sinatra

I think I’m even scared to pray about it because I don’t even know what to pray for!  All I know is that I have no idea what happened to my life or where to go from here.

What does that prayer sound like?
Help?
Time machine please?
Do I pray for a job?
A plan?
A dream?
A miracle?
A husband? (Handsome and rich please…since I’m asking…)
My sanity?

I don’t even trust my ability to pray anymore…

2:50am“The average, healthy, welladjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.” Jean Kerr

I’ve been missing John lately.  I don’t know why but I think he would know what to say to help me find some clarity.  Or maybe it’s simply the lack of music in my world right now.  Or the fact that I just lost my mentor (rather, he turned out to be a sham.  Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain) has me pining for the one who was taken from me (us) far too soon.

Regardless of the reason – I sure do wish he was here…

~end musings~

I saw 3:30 before I simply gave up looking at the clock and Edith Piaf has never sounded more unpleasant than she did when my alarm sounded at 8.

(More on who John is and the story behind the hurt at a later date… But not the same day.  John deserves better than that.)

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Ah, But Underneath…

“Today, I’m okay.  Tomorrow might be a different story.”

I’m sure that when you read that on Tuesday, at least one of you was out there screaming at me to keep my mouth shut. (mind shut?  fingers still?)  You were willing the word vacuum into action, just knowing that saying (or typing) such a thing would certainly doom me to be anything but okay on Wednesday.  If that was you, I have to tell you that you were sorely mistaken.  Wednesday was absolutely fine.

Friday.  Friday was the problem.  It hit me like a freight train…if a freight train was to silently sneak up on you like a looming cloud of sad.  Combined with a complete lack of motivation and a need for an endless supply of chocolate.  So, not really like a freight train at all.  I’ll get back to you when I come up with a better analogy.  (Should be the 4th of Never)

I spent my afternoon lounging around watching a marathon of Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids (don’t judge!).  This really should have been completely safe: a show focusing on catty girls and crazy brides trying (mostly) hideous dresses.  The least likely show to tip the scales but then the owner of the store goes and announces to her staff that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer and the flood gates opened.

I realized that regardless of how “okay” I am on any given day, the gravity of the situation and the full weight of my emotions is always right there, just beneath the surface.  It takes but a scratch to open the wound and it’s far from pretty when that happens.

I could have stayed home and wallowed the evening away, but instead I fought that desire and went out with a friend, knowing that she would accept me in any state, even the one where I resemble the mascot from the Mucinex commercials.  With that knowledge as my safety net, I decided I was better served to do my hair and makeup in the hopes that the “look better, feel better” theory would apply to me and head out the door.  I spent a good portion of the evening crying…from laughter over the most stupid things.  Yes, I realize that my picture accompanies the definition of “mood swing.”  Better that than melancholy, depressed, morose (or any other synonym) as far as I’m concerned.

There was a much more significant realization which carries rather large ramifications, but that would put me far over my promised 500(ish) word count and I won’t be known as the blogger who broke her promise only 3 posts in.  Also, I have to give you a reason to come back!  So, for now, I have a date with my pillow.

I bid you adieu.

You could drive a person crazy…

“How are you not falling apart?”

“Don’t you think it’s just too much?”

“You’re still smiling.  How is that possible?”

I’ve heard these questions countless times in the last few months.  “Darling, it’s a theme and variation.”  I completely understand why everyone asks.  I truly do.  I’ve asked myself those questions on a regular basis and I have one answer for all of them: Jesus.

There is, however, one variation to which I must object.  It goes like this: “I just don’t understand how you’re okay with all of this.”

Grandpa’s dead.  Grandma’s fighting (and winning, I should add).  Mom’s sick.  I’m unemployed.  I don’t see anything wrong with any of that.  Of course I’m okay with it.  Wouldn’t you be?  Unless you’re completely devoid of human emotion your answer will be ‘no.’  PSA: If your answer was yes, you might want to call a therapist and have that checked out.  Just sayin’

Let’s get one thing straight – I’m not okay with ANY of this.  I have feelings, you know!  I’m not a sociopath.  (Okay, I probably shouldn’t blog while watching Criminal Minds.  Sorry ’bout that.)

I’m not okay with it.  If we were in court, this would be the moment when I’d jump out of my seat and yell “Your Honour, I object!” (Law and Order’s a bad idea too…)  I’m not okay with it, but I am okay.  I’m okay because I’m at peace with it.  Again, it’s that Jesus thing.  I passionately object with every fibre of my being and I wish that I could change things, but I can’t.  I can’t control any of it, so I have to accept it.  Fighting it won’t do anything but waste my resources and THAT could drive a person crazy.  I’m a major control freak.  A total type A, but I refuse to be a hamster on a wheel.  I’m done with that.  Who actually wants to run without getting anywhere?  I’m pretty sure the hamster’s even smart enough to do something else if given the choice and I’d like to think that I’m smarter than a hamster.  At least, I sure hope so!  Gosh, how horrible would THAT be?

I have my faith, I have my relationship with God and (just as importantly) I have an incredible community of faith around me.  Recently, I asked a mentor of mine how I was supposed to get through this.  She responded in classic form with “Just put one foot in front of the other, breathe and lean on those of us who love you.”

I’m very clear on who those people are now as they have been invaluable to me in the last 6 months.  Without them I surely would have lost it by now.  (whatever IT is…is it like the proverbial they?)  What I know is that those people are tangible expressions of God’s intangible love for me and that…?  That makes me smile.  

Don’t get me wrong – I have my moments.  I’ve cried.  I’ve screamed.  I’ve slept a day away.  I’ve even had a panic attack.  I’m very much in touch with my emotions and processing what’s going on, but I’m not letting it destroy me.  Today, I’m okay.  Tomorrow might be a different story.  I don’t know yet and guess what?  I’m okay with that too!

Life doesn’t stop when we’re caught in the middle of one of the storms.  It just keeps rolling along.  So, it’s okay for us to do the same.  I can smile.  I can even laugh because God’s got this.  

A friend of mine posted this Joyce Meyer quote today which sums up exactly how I feel.  “It is perfectly okay for you to go ahead and enjoy your life while God is working on your problem.”  

He’s got this and He’s doing a much better job than I could ever do.